Today is World Mental Health Day, the 10th of October, 2022. I saw this pop up on Google and I felt compelled to write something for several reasons:
I opened up my website and got ready to write but found myself just sitting here not knowing where to even begin. This is such a massive topic, one that most of us don't really understand the depths of, so what do I put down on paper that has some impact? I then found myself realising that it isn't my job to try and communicate this topic perfectly, and that by writing something, I am playing a role in creating awareness and I need to see that as, "good enough".
I want to take you back several years in my life before we'd heard of Covid and before I was even a parent, so we're talking 7 years or so ago. I was in my early 30s, I was doing really well, or so I thought. I started to get what I can only describe as foggy head but not quite like what Google or a doctor would explain foggy head as. This feeling would start from the beginning of the day and get progressively worse through the day until night time and then things eased up. It's hard to explain this feeling, I tried countless times with doctors, I had blood drawn, lots of tests done but nothing helped. I learned to live with it, sadly. I felt this sense of dizziness but things weren't spinning, I felt like I might fall over, I felt a bit starved for oxygen, it was utterly awful - To perhaps give you a tangile idea, I figured out a tactic, if I sat in a meeting and pinched my thighs really hard, I felt somewhat grounded and able to perform in the meeting, that's how bad it got. I become more introverted, I avoided a lot of opportunities, I found ways to get out of meetings, I kept to myself, I'd look in the mirror and tell myself I was okay but the worst part is that not many people around me could understand, and that hurt because it felt me all alone - I don't blame them, understanding something that's intagible is near impossible but even knowing that didn't help.
I remember sitting at a park for an event one evening chatting to my sister. I told her that this foggy head had changed a bit, I could be sitting in the garden gardening (my calm place) and suddenly I felt this overwhelming feeling of sorrow. Literally out of the blue, one minute I'm happily planting something and the next minute extreme sorrow. This was a terrible feeling, I get shivers even thinking about it! This felt, to me, how depression would feel on a small scale (later, confirmed by my psychologist). My sister said I should go and see a psychologist and so that's what I did - The way I wrote that might make it sound like that was easy but it certainly wasn't. I managed to find a psychologist not too far from work and set up an appointment. To this day, several years later, I can remember my first meeting with him - I explained how I felt, told him what I'd been going through and he listened. Gosh, I almost want to shed a tear when I say that because he just listened and he cared, and even though he probably couldn't relate, he certainly made me feel like he could. After several weeks of seeing him, lots of changes, lots of sharing, lots of lots of lots, the fogginess started to go and after a number of months it had gone. I felt like I was given my life back, honestly.
Have I been diagnosed with "anxiety", depression or an emotional disorder? No. I am the beneficiary of a very difficult world that we live in as someone who cares and struggles to switch off. Someone who's cared so much about performing at work, performing with my family, caring about others and giving too much of myself. And for that, I found myself in a position where I could hardly do any of that anymore. I had to find strategies to change things, such as meditating, saying no, yoga, getting off my computer, building more self confidence and so the list went on. This sounds easy but I can promise you, doing all of that when you're down is a huge challenge. Yes, tests showed that my blood sugar, cortisol levels and such were not in a great position (they still do to this day) but those tests didn't help, speaking with someone did. My wife and family are great but they had their own things that they were dealing with, I needed a dedicated person and that's what my psychologist could do for me. I'll admit, I also listen better to others sometimes 😉
I still get the fogginess from time to time but my coping mechanisms are sharper and I can normally "bounce back" far quicker. I have a very very poor off switch, unfortunately. I struggle to catch myself before it gets bad and despite all the work I've done, I've accepted that that's me and I'm okay with that as long as I implement my strategies when I feel it happening to me. Thankfully, that feeling of "depression" has hardly ever come back which is such a blessing. The fogginess is hard to deal with but when I feel it starting, I automatically jump into management mode and kick off my strategy. Of course, this strategy I talk about should be always on and I'm working on that but I'm not quite there.
There is a bit more to this than what I've shared, there are some matters in my life that seriously drain me and nothing can be done about them, so this isn't all about work and such but these matters are very personal and involve other people so I've chosen not to share, for me. But, they're serious drainers with highly complex matters.
That's a bit of my personal story when it comes to mental health. I've never been diagnosed with depression, I can't relate to what that must be like day in and day out but I can truly understand how someone might not want to get out of bed in the morning or how someone could have everything and yet still be unhappy. I haven't been diagnosed with dipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder but through my general interest in understanding mental health, I've read enough to understand how traumatic those emotional disorders are. I got a taste of real burnout, the burnout where depression starts to show itself and that small amount of depression pales in comparison to being diagnosed - I have a lot of empathy for anyone going through something so challenging and all I can say is that speaking to someone will help - please speak with someone. You're not weak if you turn to someone, heck, I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found the courage to speak with someone. You're not odd if people hear that you have a disorder or take medication. In fact, if you speak out, you're a winner in my eyes. I know that's easy to say and that it's far more complex.
Now, this post that I've written should probably be published on a blog about mental health, surely? Why on earth is this published on a financial website? Well, if you're not familiar with personal finance or investing, then those are the questions you'd ask but if you are, you'll know just how emotional these topics are and how hard it is to manage your emotions. Money is emotional, I don't care what anybody says. I've spent the better part of a decade investing and I still struggle to keep my emotions out of all of my decisions. I catch myself, sure, and then change my thinking but the emotions are still there. Right now, the S&P500 is down some 25% this year, my portfolio is red and yes, that stresses me out despite preaching about recovery, rebounds, not being emotional. It takes a very unique person to not allow emotions into the equation and I'd argue that no emotions are just as bad as too many. But more importantly, a lot of us don't know how we're going to react to the way our investments move, you might think you're strong and powerful but you'll never know until you face a situation where you're being brought to your knees because the view from that height is completely different and change is scary. Recognise this because the day might come where you find yourself in a difficult situation and you might be trapped by your ego, but fight your ego and seek help, someone will listen and that may be the difference between being sad (or worse) or happy.
42courses offer a course called Mental Fitness & Wellbeing with Phil Dobson, and Stellenbosch Business School of Executive Development offer a course called Managing Mental Health and Wellness at Work. Both of these organisations are fantastic and care about their pupils, have a look if you're interested. There are many others, I simply know the people behind these organisations and they're great people.